Sunday, July 22, 2007

You Might Be A Fanatic

It is amazing to me that the people in this country seem to have so much difficulty identifying the enemy during this most dangerous time in our history. Knowing who the enemy is critical to our very survival and if the truth be known, not at all difficult. The enemies of the United States and in fact the enemies of the free world fall into one category...

Now I know what you are going to say. "Tim, saying that fanatics are the enemy is all well and good, but how do I know who these guys are?" Good question. Now I could go into a long dissertation on the definition and history of fanaticism in the world, both political and religious; but I won't (the truth of the matter is I tried this in my first pass on the subject and even I found it tedious and boring). Identifying these characters is so important to our continued existence that will instead use "The Jeff Foxworthy Method" to speed up the process (the fact that I lived in Georgia for a while has nothing to do with it). Please read these carefully!
  • If you cancelled your life insurance when you discovered that suicide bombing wasn't covered in the policy, you might be a fanatic.
  • If any garment you own is wired with a detonator, you might be a fanatic.
  • If you don't care about the gas mileage of your SUV because you've already turned it into a car bomb, you might be a fanatic.
  • If your hobbies include getting swastika tattoos, you might be a fanatic.
  • If your social life is suffering because you spend most of your evenings planning terrorist attacks, you might be a fanatic.
  • If the only white sheet that you own doesn't fit on your bed but does fit on your head, you might be a fanatic.
  • If the only way that you can use the word "automatic" in a sentence also includes the use of the word "weapon", you might be a fanatic.
  • If the only way that you are going to get lucky in the near future is if God comes through with the virgins in the afterlife, you might be a fanatic.
  • If shaving your head or not shaving your face is the only way for you to fit in with your current peer group, you might be a fanatic.
  • If most of your clothes smell of diesel fuel and fertilizer, you might be a fanatic.
Now if you were able to agree with any or all of these statements or any of this seems even vaguely familiar, please go immediately (do not pass go or collect $200) to the nearest local authorities and turn yourself in. If you choose not to avail yourself of this opportunity, could you at least wear bright clothing and a sign identifying yourself? (Likewise anyone knowing of such people should feel free to wear the "I'm With A Fanatic" T-shirts that will soon be available). 

While I can't promise you that doing so will allow you to fulfill your life's ambitions, permit you to enter the particular version of paradise that you believe in, or allow you to live a long and happy life in this world; the rest of us will certainly be grateful to you for giving us the chance to do so.

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