Fixing Four Year Events

The closing ceremonies of the 30th Olympics of the modern era is getting ready to draw to a close.  (I suppose to be more correct, I should be saying the XXX Olympiad; but someone is going to have to explain to me why it's more correct to use Roman numerals to describe a sporting event born of Greek traditions some day.)  Somehow I missed the opening ceremonies (I was probably watching a reality show about Pawn Shops buying the contents of storage units in a swamp full of alligators or something important like that.), and with just a bit of planning and luck, it seems likely that I will miss the closing ceremonies tomorrow.

Now having missed these gala outdoor Broadway shows, some might want to believe that I've more than made it up to NBC and its sister stations by immersing myself in the drama of Olympic competition with its 'thrill of victory and agony of defeat'.  (No wait, that's ABC.)  Wrong!  Like "Friends", "Seinfeld", "Everybody Loves Raymond", and "American Idol" before it; I have somehow managed to avoid more than the amount of viewing time contained in channel surfing past.

This is not to decry the achievements of athletes who have dedicated their entire existence to an attempt to stand at the top of the podium in these quadrennial events.  Nor is it a twisted form of protest by a twisted old man engendered by a growing jealousy over his inability to run from the couch to the kitchen, and whose next break of the tape is likely to occur while wrapping Christmas packages.  (OK, maybe a little bit is that.)  My gripe is with the IOC (International Olympic Committee) and NBC (the National Bullshit, sorry, Broadcast Company).

The IOC is after all to sports what the UN is to politics, a self-serving and bloated organization full of graft, bribery, and fiscal irresponsibility.  (Wow, it actually sounds a lot like a government.)  Both organizations are full of petty dictators who seem to meet endlessly, and mostly in secret; with little more decided than to do a more in-depth study and agree to meet again.  Neither the IOC nor the UN gathers any level of world respect, and both manage to go through unimaginably vast amounts of money without achieving anything meaningful in the way of results.  Merging the two together would not only manage to get a far greater number of the villains and thieves in one place, but perhaps by doing so we could move their headquarters to a more suitable location. (I'm voting for any small to medium-sized city in a country whose name ends with 'stan'.)

As for NBC, they lost my respect as a source of information or entertainment even before Johnny Carson blew them a kiss goodbye.  The best that I can say about them is that by using the letters NBC in the many of their network names, they at least warn you of what you can channel surf through without worrying.  They're normal news coverage is shoddy at best, but they fail to rise even to that level of mediocrity when placed up front and center on the world stage, as the Olympics does.  Bob Costas is a nice enough guy, but even he can't make up for failing to cover events that are only noticed, or which shine brightest in these four year venues.  Instead they in insist on filling the limited prime time hours available to 'looks back' at things most have long since lost interest in.  ABC did a better job in the old days, in spite of only having the one-channel flagship network to work with.   

Actually though, my real beef this year has been with the refusal to add political campaigning to the list of Olympic sports.  After all, major elections (in this country at least) are held in Olympic years.  I see no reason why other democratic nations can't bring their political competitions in line with sporting ones.  Not only would this increase world interest in the rivalries, and thereby TV audience and revenue; but it would also increase what's gained by those at the podium's peak.  Not only would they hang a gold medal (not so much gold in them these days) around your neck, but place a gold crown (at least temporarily) on your head. 

And think of the events that could be added!  Presidential campaigns (and many of their lower counterparts) have already become a full-contact sport.  Maybe we could allow teams of their spin-masters to actually take the field and go at it head-to-head.  (It might not be interesting television, but think of the lives that could be saved if they injured each other in such events.)   Debates could be changed to simple 'Rhetoric Singles' matches and VP's could participate in singles competition as well.  Political tickets could similarly debate in 'Mixed Doubles' competition.  

Candidates could receive further approbation and medals for the Olympic version of Political Tap-Dancing (with and without music).  Party spokesman (sorry it's still easier to write than spokespersons) could compete in 'Olympic backpedaling', an event where they walk back or properly interpret the misstatements of their candidates.  Campaign media too could be added to the venue, with Oscar or Emmy like events: 'Best campaign ad with not a shred of fact', 'Best editing in a political ad using their own words to misrepresent the opposition', or 'Catchiest, but most meaningless slogan' come to mind.  Perhaps such incorporation would allow politics to once and for all write down the rules under which such competitions will be held (and not in crayon this time). 

While we're at it, why not borrow (unapologetically steal) from those oh so popular TV talent competitions by using celebrity judges and allowing the audience to vote for winners and losers by an 800 number.  We've complained for years that we were sick of medals being robbed from worthy competitors because the French or East German judges were in the tank.  Maybe we could get Sean Hannity and James Carville to sit at the scoring table from the political right and left respectively, pair them up with Bill O'Reilly and Michael Moore (neither of whom will let anyone else get a word in edgewise), and toss in a bit of Chris Matthews to let us know who gives him a leg tingle.  And to balance off the ongoing and spirited competition (mostly for the spotlight, air time, and attention by the judges themselves), we could allow Mr, MS, and Mrs World to vote for winners and losers.  It may not mean much to a lot of the rest of the world, who take their RIGHT and OBLIGATION to vote far more seriously than Americans; but it seems highly likely to at least increase the numbers of those going to the polls in this country. 

Many have been complaining for years that it's long past time to do something about what's gone wrong with the Olympics.  Many have also said for years that politics is passed due for change and improvement.  Combining the two might not exactly meet the goals of those complaining the most or the loudest, but it would likely make either temporarily a bit more entertaining while we come up with better ideas for both.
       
    

Four Year Farce

While it traditionally takes the locust seven years to emerge and for its devastating effects to be felt, there are plagues whose cycles are far shorter and whose damage and may be far more wide ranging.  We are currently facing one, in a chain of occurrences going back many years.

The current outbreak is one that rather than seven years, occurs every four, and does not involve insects (though some other members of the animal kingdom and some other pretty scary creatures are involved).  They are eventful years which feature over-the-top and often disjointed oratory, seemingly pointless public events, and monumental misjudgements of behavior.  They are also years which, regardless of the winners and losers, will see little changed in the world around us.

By now, many of you are already girding you loins (an expression which I always snicker at, since it seems obscene rather than protective) for yet another long-winded piece about the 2012 election.  You would be wrong however, since what I'm talking in this case about is the 2012 Summer Olympics.

Don't get me wrong here.  I have nothing but approbation for the dedication not only the athletes who give up a sizable chunk of their lives to pursue a dream (though corporate sponsorships make it easier than it once was), and the families of those athletes who likewise sacrifice and without hope of reward.  I have nothing but awe for the abilities of those who have reached this pinnacle of the world stage that allows them to complete for the coveted gold medal.  I have nothing but appreciation for the little people like ticket takers at these quadrennial events that somehow make it all work in spite of their masters.  

It's a shame that the event organizers are neither as skilled or as talented as those competing.  How can anyone feel anything but disgust for the lamentable efforts of these Hollywood wannabes for the tasteless and lavish festivities that they put on?  How can anyone feel anything but abhorrence for their abandonment of the simple pomp and circumstance of the world's best marching into the main venue behind the flags of their nations and taking the Olympic oath, in favor of an 'Industrial Light and Magic' display of artificially enhanced magnificence? 

Apparently the Olympics was unable to learn from the ruining of the Macy's Thanksgiving Parade and the Super Bowl half-time show.  Instead in recent years, they have bowed to the pressure of their massive TV contract and a foolish national arrogance to present an 'Olympic-sized' Broadway show that's become an awful parody of the worst Cirque du Soleil concept ever created, and ruined further by a rabid touch of George Lucas computer enhancement to insure that any shred of dignity left in the proceedings departed the stadium long before the participants were allowed to.  (By the way, when did a lot of people waving or holding things become entertainment?)  Quite frankly, the only tacky thing missing were cameos by the 'beautiful people' who will star on NBC's fall lineup (though maybe they're saving that for the closing ceremonies).   

If this continues, it won't be long before they turn the whole thing over to Pixar and allow them to animate the opening and closing ceremonies; ensuring not only their perfection, but allowing them to choreograph events on an even more massive scale, and permitting them to take advantage of Olympic mascots that have become increasingly hideous and horrifying Muppet avatars whose incessant hopping and waving frightens the children.  (Besides, then the whole thing could be sponsored by Pixar, who could recoup some of their money by putting subliminal frames to hype their latest movie releases.)

If they can continue to mess with the opening and closing however, maybe we could mess with the events themselves?  For starters, it seems that it should go without saying that all archery and shooting events should be eliminated by an enlightened society that decries weapons and violence. (Please note that sarcasm is often used on this blog.)  Quite frankly it amazes me that such barbarity hasn't been done away with already.  I mean my God, they might as well allow suicide bombers to compete (an event which would make medal ceremonies superfluous and preclude multiple medal winners).  On the other hand, since you 'shoot' pool, such an elimination would mean that Billiards could never be an Olympic sport (not that it's an exciting game to watch).

But let's face it. not all of the competitions are all that exciting.  So maybe in the name of TV ratings and commercial revenues, we could abandon things like synchronized swimming and diving, along with rhythmic gymnastics in favor of a combined 'synchronized gymnastics'.  Let's see some high bar routines where they switch bars during the routine, pommel horse with two people moving around it, tumbling routines where athletes cross paths; and vaulting efforts involving teammates running at each other like they want to take each other out. (You know, kind of combining gymnastics with NASCAR.)  

As long as we're combining ....  What if we combined badminton and ping pong, playing alternate games on field and table and switching birdie with ball while using the same racket/paddle?  Perhaps we could even throw in tennis and really mix up a three set match.     

You know personally, I believe that setting aside some memorable moments of Olympic competition, the whole thing has become a tedious and boring farce (and even Bob Costas telling us otherwise is not enough to convince us).  Quite frankly, I'd prefer that more of it than not be scrapped in favor of the 'Monty Python and the Flying Circus' version, called the "Silly Olympiad"; and I will end this week's rant with just a bit of its potential.   

Something For Nothing

I received a suggestion (thank you Brad) that I should write this weekend about the continuing controversy surrounding Ohio State; and while this did get me thinking, the problem is that I don't normally write anything about sports. Let me say this however. As their situation currently stands, Ohio State is a college football program in shambles; their coach tainted forever for running a dirty program, their players disgraced by callous rule-breaking, and their one-time quarterback playing the role of a clown by assuming the mantle of diva before he even enters the professional ranks. Having said this much about the Buckeyes shameful behavior, I have probably said all that needs to be said about their dishonor, and perhaps more than they deserve. 


It's not like they are the only program recently besmirched by the actions of players and coach, as USC too has found itself at the center of controversy. And while its coach somehow seemed to escape to the professional ranks with little stigma attached; the behavior of Reggie Bush has caused the school to send back its Heisman trophy reproduction and forfeit a national championship. But these two programs are emblematic of a system rife with all of the worst in society today; and its message in general is perhaps more telling about many of those in society. 


For aren't the members of these teams simply another elite group assuming that the rules don't apply to them. On this one you can take your pick: high priced coaches, pampered egomaniac athletes , or the universities themselves who turn a blind eye to what they know is going on as long as the money keeps pouring in. It's actually almost amusing to watch those of the hallowed halls of the educational system (you know, the ones that look down their noses at the whole concept of college athletics) shaking their finger in righteous wrath at politicians and corporations while their employer is bellying up to the same money trough and begging for scraps to be thrown their way. 


Coaches meanwhile make "Weiner-like" pronouncements of innocence about what everyone understands has been going on for years, saying that they simply didn't know. The fact that their lack of knowledge can be directly attributed to hiring a staff the size of Genghis Khan's army, so that they can hide the fact that there's a 'dirty tricks detail' included in it should be overlooked. 


Speaking of overlooking, let's be clear that this mob of malefactors has only one job; seeing that rules violations of their programs are treated like a litter box (kept out of the way, minimizing the stench, and quickly covering anything remains visible to inspection). As for the athletes themselves, I would love to heap blame upon what in most cases are little more than a bunch of self-serving prima donnas with the moral education of a three year-old (no insult intended to 3 year-olds). It's pointless to go to such effort however, when they are indifferent to the opinions of anyone but themselves (and their sycophantic 'crews' of course). 


Protected from their earliest days of promise in life from everything but self-gratification, we should expect little more acceptance of following rules than what we get from this self-styled and pampered nobility. Held to a different standard from the first appearance of talent or ability, they are molded into the perfect physical forms and twisted souls that they have become. They have been told always that their ability on a football field or basketball court excuses them from following the rules of lesser humans. 


Those rules are twisted into shapes more complicated than that of DNA to accommodate their advance in school, attendance at practices, camps, and tournaments, and achievement of personal fame. And when one day they are old enough, those in higher education court them as assiduously as any maiden, and on bended knee offer them years of future bliss if only they will consent to a joining (no honeymoon jokes, please). 


It's little surprise then, that they treat that in which they have no investment with less than disdain, casting it aside at the first opportunity for the chance of the next deal, the better gig, and the bigger prize. Little surprise too, that the awards that they receive during what's supposed to be their 4-year marriage are of no emotional value to them except that which they have monetarily. Having nothing of themselves invested in the shiny trinkets presented to them as they seek a greater prize, they sell them off with little thought, less regard, and no regret. 


I would say "Shame on them" for treating money earned through the hard work of others with such disdain; but what can one expect of those raised in a system with no moral compass except 'winning' and no definition of right and wrong except 'don't get caught'. Shame on us instead for creating such a system, and for not demanding payment in respect at least for the gift that these young people are given. Shame on us for putting these people on a pedestal and using them as role models. But shame on us especially for forever damaging their lives teaching them little but contempt for the rules of society, and giving them "Something for Nothing".