The "Stuck on Stupid" Dictionary #39

In what may in fact be the real first sign of Spring, the lazy lexicographers of the SOS Dictionary have apparently come out of their hole, failed to see their collective shadows (which would have been difficult at best, considering the bloodshot conditions of their eyes), and decided to stay out in the fresh air for a bit.  (This had nothing to do with locking the door behind them after their 'temporary exit' I'm sure.)  Their efforts are at best sporadic and at worst all but nonexistent recently, and Senior Staff felt obligated to try something new.  Having given up on the NLRB (National Labor Relations Board) for assistance, we have instead contacted Lindsay Lohan's people to recommend potential detox facilities.

Having all but reconciled ourselves to a level of production consistent with the output of common sense from the federal government is a bit disappointing, but not entirely unexpected.  Their chemically-induced maunderings however still manage to pass Senior Staff editorial muster; so we print 'em when we get 'em.

Such inconsistent production however, means that there may actually be those of you reading this who have somehow managed to miss previous postings on this subject (shame on you, now go back and search all of the postings under the label of  'Dictionary').  For those of you thus unfamiliar, the SOS dictionary is a reference guide to terms which nominally mean something to the rest of the English speaking world, but appears to mean something entirely different when looked at through the jaded eyes and rose colored glasses of the SOS dictionary staff.


Democrat

1.  A Member of a political party whose opinions (sometimes also called feelings) on a given issue can run from fiercely Conservative to wildly Liberal.
2.  A Member of a political Fraternity House that is indoctrinated with the concept that loyalty to their fraternity brothers and sisters is of far greater importance than that to the constituents who elected them
3.  A Member of a self-appointed aristocracy who consider themselves through such party participation to be a representative of a political elite (which they falsely like to believe is a meritocracy) that makes them far better, smarter, and prettier than the rest of those outside their group; and therefore entitled to special privileges as a consequence.
4.  A Member of political team whose largest ambition is to score more points than their opponents, regardless of consequences to fans in the stands or the condition that the field will be in when the contest is concluded.
5.  A member of a political party that is in turn part of a larger rule-making body (you know, kind of like NASCAR, the NHL, the NFL, the NBA, MLB, or the NCAA) who rule by fiat; and with the clear understanding that none of the rules they create can apply to them. 
(See Republican)

 
Republican

1.  A Member of a political party whose opinions (sometimes also called feelings) on a given issue can run from fiercely Conservative to wildly Liberal.
2.  A Member of a political Fraternity House that is indoctrinated with the concept that loyalty to their fraternity brothers and sisters is of far greater importance than that to the constituents who elected them
3.  A Member of a self-appointed aristocracy who consider themselves through such party participation to be a representative of a political elite (which they falsely like to believe is a meritocracy) that makes them far better, smarter, and prettier than the rest of those outside their group; and therefore entitled to special privileges as a consequence.
4.  A Member of political team whose largest ambition is to score more points than their opponents, regardless of consequences to fans in the stands or the condition that the field will be in when the contest is concluded.
5.  A member of a political party that is in turn part of a larger rule-making body (you know, kind of like NASCAR, the NHL, the NFL, the NBA, MLB, or the NCAA) who rule by fiat; and with the clear understanding that none of the rules they create can apply to them.
(See Democrat)

March Madness

People often speak about "March Madness" as simply the temporary focus of the national attention on the 68 college teams competing this month in the NCAA's basketball tournament.  (It used to be 64, but the NCAA keeps adding to the team numbers, recognizing that there's more money to be made out there if they can add games without anybody paying much attention.  And this by the way, doesn't even count the 'loser's tournament' for those who weren't for some reason invited to the big dance.  By this of course, I mean the 32 colleges of the NCAA 'invited' to the NIT [National Invitation Tournament] as a consolation.)  March however seems to have been a month long infected with both fervor and madness before anyone considered 'Sweet Sixteen' as a phrase that could used in a discussion of sports. 

The Ides of March, for example occur on the 15th, and is famous as the day in which Julius Caesar was assassinated in 44 BC.  Now normally the Ides of any month (usually the 13th - 15th) were marked by the Romans through religious celebrations which concluded with a sacrifice.  In this particular case however, the sacrifice turned out to be their dictator (a term which meant something far different in those days).  The Religious implications of Politics are often rather difficult subjects to understand however; and while normally the elimination of a dictator would likewise be considered a reason for celebration, history remains confused over the elimination of this particular one.  Perhaps it's because so many of us were forced to translate what were considered Caesar's heroic efforts in the "Gallic Wars" during our classical education, and perhaps it's because of Rex Harrison's sympathetic depiction of him during the 1963 classic "Cleopatra".  It could also have something to do with the fact that many of those who replaced Caesar (even keeping his name) were promoted from Roman Dictator (only a nominal king) to Emperor (more in keeping with our current definition of the term), and in many cases were far worse than the original.  It may even be a confused reverance and prejudice against the offences committed by later iterations of the title, 'Kaiser' and 'Czar'.  Then again, there may just be those who simply have a grudge against eating the salad that retains the name.

Two days later on the 17th, many around the world celebrate the feast day of the Patron Saint of Ireland, St. Patrick (except of course for those of us celebrating my granddaughter Maggie's birthday).  This too (as those of you who read my St. Patrick's Day post would have noted) is an event rife with confusion.  Beginning with the concept of a former English slave becoming the patron saint of the nation that imprisoned him, proceeding through a number of falsehoods surrounding his use of the shamrock and the departure of Ireland's snakes, and finishing up with the concept of a religious holiday designed to be celebrated with prayer that's become the secular equivalent of a donnybrook.   There's certainly enough befuddlement in its history therefore to cheefully add it, along with the Ides, as bit of March's mania.  (And at this, I have yet to add my own discomfiture over the consumption of some poor examples of the brewer's art somehow being suddenly found to have become seasonal ambrosia through the addition of emerald-colored chemical enhancement.)

For those of you who might have missed it (unable to see it even days later through the blinding snow that's stretched through the Midwest), next was the arrival of the Vernal Equinox at 7:02 EDT on the 20th; and with it the beginning of Spring.  As for me, I have little doubt that the 6-10 inches of white stuff currently falling at the "Just Blowing Smoke" headquarters in Mission, Kansas is a violation of Nature; and no doubt due to the ongoing 'mad scientist' battle between the forces of 'Global Warming' and the secret weather experiments being conducted by the government 'Military-Industrial Complex'.  ("Haliburton ... you Bastards!" he said, as he readjusted his tin foil hat .)  This of course, leaves local 'Missionaries' complaining about still being trapped in freezing temperatures that only months from now they will long for, when suffering from the soul-sucking heat of another 100 degree Summer.  This weather anomaly in a state where basketball is king creates its own form of madness, as locals who would in no case be venturing too far from their television sets suffer from a bi-polar disorder that finds them curiously discomfited at their climactic entrapment.   

(This is a well-chronicled condition that has something to do with a mental malady that arises from the manic conflict between wanting to be in an adult beverage dispensing establishment with a bunch of strangers, consuming over-priced ethanol-based concoctions vs. doing the same thing at home with ones family at much lower prices, while at the same time not gambling on potential arrest from the process involved with getting from one to the other.  There's an ongoing government study that's sucking up millions in funding for years without yet producing definitive results on the subject.)

Of course for those of us not consumed by the media-generated version of 'March Madness', all of this basketball nonsense is simply that.  Perhaps in my case, it has to do with having played hockey for most of my childhood and a good part of what society considers my adulthood (the latter term being very much subject to interpretation).  The two sports after all have competing seasons, for a dedicated 'puckster' one basketball games looks pretty much the same as another, and even the occasional distraction of current cheerleader uniform styles is not enough to entice me into watch a sporting event that has so much scoring going on that a 20-point lead at halftime is often meaningless to the result of the game.  As for filling out 'The Brackets', I only use brackets to install wall shelving and they don't require any filling out.  (Only filling in when I drill a hole in the wall improperly...)

As far as I'm concerned the madness of March can easily do without the absurdity of colleges I've never heard of playing a game that I don't much care for, all to raise exorbitant sums of money for a higher education system that squanders such funding as quickly as they get it and then looks for more in tuition rates increases that far exceed that of inflation.  I will choose instead to wait yet another week for Easter, and let the intersection of yet another religious / sectarian holiday fight its own lunatic battle between rampant consumerism and ecclesiastical fervor.  I find it far more entertaining, having once had to do so myself, to watch parents deal with the competing ideological battle for attention as my fellow Christians attempt to reconcile their children's conflicts beliefs during another co-opted pagan holiday with serious economic considerations.  I'm fascinated in their attempts to explain the spiritual significance of painted hard-boiled eggs, chocolate bunny rabbits, and jelly beans.  Having suffered through similar uncomfortable discussions for years with my own offspring, I take a twisted solace from the inevitable psychosis arising from attempts to steal the doctrinal thunder of a miracle of faith by the sugar-frenzied distractions presented by its alternative.  

I'm sorry my friends, but quite frankly I have no time in a world far too full of delusion to find a place for the college tournament madness of a sport which I'm not even sure that its inventor James Naismith would still recognize, after the abandonment of so many of his original rules.  There's far too much aberration and absurdity in my life in general and March in particular than I care to deal with, to add this made-for-TV hysteria.  If it's all the same to you, I'd like to skip ahead now to some April showers and May flowers ... thank you very much.

Unhappy Valley

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It's Saturday, and for the first time in 46 years, Joe Paterno will not be on the sidelines at Penn State.  Last week "Joe Pa" was fired, not for his performance on the field for the 'Nittany Lions' where he has 409 victories (vs 136 losses), but for a defeat that he suffered off of the field.  That mistake was one of judgment with regard to one of his assistant coaches Jerry Sandusky.

Mr Sandusky worked with Coach Paterno for some 20 years as a defensive coordinator, and seemed at one time to be the heir apparent to the throne in Happy Valley (a rather dubious honor, since Joe at 84, showed little interest in retiring until this week).  Mr Sandusky lost his status in1999 however, abruptly retiring after an incident reported by the mother of an 11 year-old in which he was giving the child a bear hug in the shower.  The University police investigated this occurrence, but no charges were filed, nor apparently was the information turned over to local authorities outside of the university.

Three years later, as it emerges in a recently released Grand Jury report, Sandusky was apparently caught in the showers at a campus locker room with a boy who appeared to be around 10 years-old by now linebacker coach Mike McQueary, who was a graduate assistant at the time.  Though there was some delay involved, McQueary eventually reported the incident and this report reached Coach Paterno, who in turn reported it to the Athletic Director.  That Grand Jury report in fact points to eight potential victims of Mr Sandusky, and is often the case when such charges are publicized, more may yet surface.

OK, these are the alleged facts as we know them now, but how then do we question what went on and judge those involved, if such judgment is permitted?

Why weren't the accusations in 1999 reported to local authorities?  When did it become the province of University Police to determine such things?  If Jerry Sandusky retired in 1999, what was he doing on campus, using school facilities, three years later?  Who permitted this and gave him access or keys?  Why, if he was granted access at all, wasn't he under closer scrutiny, based on previous accusation?  One must certainly call into question the judgment of the University in general and the Athletic Department in particular for allowing an alleged sexual predator access to the scene of many of his alleged past crimes.

Forget the delay in 'reporting' on Mike McQueary's part, why didn't he move immediately to protect the child in question?  It's reported that McQueary called his father for advice, so the question extends to asking why his father didn't tell him to go back and protect the child? These events show a serious lapse in judgment on McQueary's part, if not one of courage.  There is guilt by commission and guilt by omission, and if the story told by McQueary in this case is true, he is certainly guilty of the latter in the form of a cowardice that would be hard to defend.

(On a side note, let me say that a reaction of 'kicking the crap out of Sandusky seems the rather logical and immediate, if a bit Neanderthal solution.  If this didn't occur to McQueary Jr, it should have certainly occurred to McQueary Sr.  I understand that Michael McQueary is currently under suspension.  Perhaps he should be permitted to keep his job if he allows the father of the abused child to kick the crap out of him as he should have done to Sandusky when witnessing this event.)

How could no one else have noticed what was going on?  Campus life is largely provincial, and everyone knows everyone else's business.  It seems to defy credibility that this could have been going on for an extended period of time (which it apparently was) without others knowing.  If in fact others did know, then they too must share some complicity in this heinous behavior.

While I don't normally comment on sports, this story transcends athletics, and should act as an indictment of Penn State University itself.  This is not an NCAA rules violation on recruiting, undercover payments to players by slimy Alumni, or players attempting to cash in early on a fame that may be all too fleeting.  This is an institutional and systematic choice to turn a blind eye to child abuse going on by a current or former employee on your property.  It's also an apparent willingness to sweep such immoral and illegal behavior under the rug to keep the money associated with college sports spilling into Penn State's coffers.

If the NCAA is to continue to hold any moral dominion with regard to its mandated mission, there can be only one answer to these charges, if they are in any part proven to be true:  "The Death Penalty".  I leave it to this organization of dubious moral character whose inability to police its members is well known, the period which Penn State should do without their football program; but considering the length of time that this appears to have been going on, certainly such punishment should be greater than any of the one or two year sentences previously handed out by this bastion of all that's fair in college sports (sorry, that's alleged bastion).

I pronounce sentence without desiring to see any of the players currently on the Penn State football team punished (though I'm afraid that they will be forever tainted by association).  They should be permitted to transfer without eligibility penalties and allowed to continue their sports futures.  Penn State and its football program must however be punished in the only way that Universities and 'Big Time College Football' programs seem to understand, by hitting them in the revenue stream where it hurts.

Could this hurt other sports programs at the university or the admissions of new students?  I'm sure it could, but it certainly appears that more than the Athletic Department were at least aware of this situation and that the university as a whole is responsible for looking the other way for a considerable period of time.

Let the picture of an empty stadium in what will become 'Unhappy Valley' be shown every week on 'football Saturdays' to serve as a reminder to all those who see themselves as living in the ivory towers of academia and above the more mundane concerns of everyday living that they have a responsibility to the mere mortals who surround them and the communities they live amongst; and most especially to the children who may one day walk their halls.


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